What I know know to be true

So I was reading Oprah's book- What I know for sure and was inspire to start write a vlog called -

What I know to be true......

These are things that have held true for me. These are the things that life has thought me. These are guiding beliefs that are true for me. 

I am sure to find more truths along the journey but is what I have learned so far.

Our belief systems sculpt how we see and feel about not only ourselves but what we allow into our world. 

What I know to be true is that when you have a belief system that you hold that says "Hey, the world is a beautiful, fun, safe, kind place and everyone is helpful and kind to me".  You experience the world very differently than someone who says "Hey, the world is sucky and unsafe and people are rude and selfish".

About 5 years ago I went to New York City for the first time ever and alone for a conference. I am use to going on big trips to big places with my husband and family. I often rely on the safe feeling of being with my husband in unknown places in territories but I also had this belief system that I will be supported as I try to navigate through subways, streets and taxis of New York to get myself safely throughout the city. I was super surprise at how many times I was lost and found in NYC that weekend. Whenever I hoped on the subway I had people going out of their way to get me to where I needed to be and always pointing me in the right direction. I remember on the last day of the conference, I had to rush to my hotel to get bags and than rush to the airport. It is was pouring rain and not many taxis were stopping. I asked the doorman at the conference I was at to hail me a cab. He was beyond happy to help me. I remember saying to him how impressed I have been with New Yorkers they are all so helpful and kind. He laughed and said It must be you cause New Yorkers aren't helpful and kind. 

This sunk in. You experience the world the way you see the world.

Whenever I (we) travel I can look back and see how many people went out of their way to be helpful and kind. How many awesome things have happened from people doing really nice things for us! How many extraordinary experiences I (we) have had by being open to a world that wants to bless you with its beauty, wonder and kindness.

The world is always delivering to you exactly what you think the world is. 

This is a truth for me.

Inspiration - What comes next?

In the last year I have so many false start about getting back to my running that I am hesitant to say anything to anyone or be excited about signs of hope that I will return to myself as a runner.

I took the summer off mostly with occasional runs but with it being so hot. I didn't feel bad at all about taking the time off.  I started to notice in July more time and more times that I was feeling pretty good overall with no more weird symptoms that I had been experiencing most of 2015 and into 2016.

By the end of July right before we went on vacation, I jumped on the treadmill to test how I felt.

So running gives me the best indication of how my body is functioning that is why I decided to test it. I ran 2 miles easy than a strong tempo averaging 7:25 for 25 minute pace and than a short cool down. I wasn't struggling, no weird clammy  feeling or feeling out of shape. The pace came easy almost so that I thought I could press but I didn't want to push too hard out the gate.

It gave me hope that my fitness is under there waiting to be taped into!

Than I planned my comeback after vacation and kids back to school only to be thwarted by a turned ankle 30 minutes into an easy run.

I took two weeks off! I kept positive!

Today I tested the ankle with a workout on the treadmill!

Wow I know it isn't blow your socks off fast but it came super easy. I had no hypoglycemic issues and no low dips in energy. Smooth Sailing!

Here is the workout -

3 miles warm up, 4 x 1 mile with 60 secs walk recovery at 7;31, 7;29, 7:29, 7:26. 2 mile cool down

I am pleased!

I am really not sure what I want to do running wise. I have yet to be inspired to sign up for a race. I think being burned by signing up for so many races last year and not being able to run them has me gun shy.

So I will keep running, training, doing yoga and writing until I find something inspiring that inspires me that I just have to do. I will wait on the universe to line something up for me but until I will keep working. Sometimes is okay not to know and just wait but you have to be motion for that inspiration to find you!

Heal and Rise

I promise I would write in to try to document my journey back to whole health. As I wrote in my last post. I am really feeling the energy return to my body. It's like a switch took place and my body seems to be processing energy differently.

Maybe my liver is functioning well now? Maybe we have manage to lower the viral load? Maybe my hormones are naturally balancing out?

I have taken so many small steps over these past 3 weeks.

I think all the steps together are moving me in the right direction.

I not sure what is going on but things are moving in the happiest direction. I have had 2 runs in a role where I am felt really good. Yesterday just an easy 4 for that I didn't want to stop because I felt so good and today a workout of 4 x 1 mile at 7:30 to 7:40.

Really pleased with how today went! I never felt strained or liking I was reaching for something that wasn't there. It was there and it felt good! Gives me so much hope for regaining not only my health but my that I feel good running and love running feeling that I have missed so so so much.

I have dreamt of what it would feel like running with ease again. That is what is pulling me through. That day when I can get on the road with my energy and my soul and spirit in higher.

It feels like it is coming back. Part of me is scared to acknowledge for fear that it shall pass through my fingers. Part of me wants to scream and tell anyone that will listen.

My energy is back! My energy is back! My body is working again! My body is working again!!

I want it to be so bad. Not only for me though but for my family and for I one day meet that I can help with my story and being able to share with them how I healed.

As I heal and rise again, I know my struggle had purpose and serves as part of my special journey. My pain turned my heart to becoming more and helping others find their way through this struggle.

Finding Joy

I am having a really good week! I can feel my body and energy returning to my body.

More than just my the energy  returning it feels more like life, happiness and joy are returning which is the surest sign I am healing. I can feel the happy buzz and light filling the places that were dark just weeks ago.

It has been a slow steady thing over the past few weeks since Boston.

What's crazy is I am happy and feel the joy even though I am not yet where I hope to be. I have yet to lose the weight gained from my time spent on thyroid meds. I no longer care how long it will take me to lose the weight.

What is more important than the losing the weight is finding that sparkle of love, joy and happiness in me every day when I wake in the past week.

I feel connected to myself again! This is the most important thing ever to me. To access to myself again.

When the dark days were surrounding me the most discerning thing was the not the weight gain, the bloating, the sadness, or the anger but not being able to connect to that happy buzz of warm energy that is me and that is god.

I know I will be okay and I will heal fully if can feel that part of me.

No matter how tired I may feel in my recovery and healing I know I will be okay when that warmth is surrounding me.

Standing up again

Wow I can't believe that it has been almost a year since I was writing in here.

I was pondering to myself about how can I an reignite the fire that burned so brightly for so long. This dream has been weighted down my health dilemmas over the past year.

Do I even want to chase this dream anymore is a big question I have been asking myself?

I am pretty sure I do because I can't stop thinking about it or picturing myself achieving it. The vision is still there. It is the first thing my brain locks on to when I wake up in the morning or when I go to sleep and want to think of something I really want.

The thing my brain wants to dream about it running free and strong again and running my dream race where I feel so darn good and floating on air and so much emotional and love in my heart.

That is what pulls me. It is what weighs on me, It's what my hearts wants. It is what I can't seem to let go of.

Am I suppose to let go of it? Is it that what the saying let it go and if it was meant to be it will find its way back to you.

Well how do you let go of something that calls to your heart, soul and mind. The fills your mind when all is quiet. It literally naws at me.

I let go of my goals for a time being but my dreams are still an every present knocking that is like saying rest, do other things for a while but please do not forget about me. I need love, attention and nurturing if I am to come alive again.

This is what my dream is telling me. Remember Me. Mend Me. Nurture Me. Grow Me,

Please, Please, Please don't hide me or hide from me. I am still here! Forget me not!

I seriously thought I could take a month of running and free my mind of this dream. Focus on healing and just being. Of course a week later I am running. Slowly but I am running. I am not going very far but I am running. Sometimes it feels so good and sometimes is doesn't. With the running comes the dreaming..

Can I get back to where I use to be? Can I run better than I use to run? Will I ever feel that light effortless stride that felt so good to me? Will running feel easy to me again?

My goal is to unearth my dream, let the voice of it be stronger than the doubts and fears that have threaten it.

Try to listen to the whispering s and follow the feel of it.




Thank you for reading!

Charlevoix the Beautful!

So it was my slowest ever race but my hardest one physically and mentally.

What was positive is that...

I ran a my hardest effort ever in a marathon!

What I tell my athletes is that the body only knows effort and not pace. 

When my thyroid is off particularity when I am hyperthyroid - my body is working so much harder because more thyroid hormone is floating in the blood stream. You would think like that would be a good thing. In fact, it is not at all. For 2 reasons, the increased thyroid hormone is elevating my heart rate which makes the running a 10 minute mile feel like 7 a minute mile effort. Essentially, I have to run a 10 minute mile which for my body feels like a 7 minute mile. Secondly, the extra thyroid hormone raises  my normal body temperature from 98.6 to 98.8+ which may not seem like much but the slight .1 percents are significant to the body. I feel hotter and the body has to work harder to cool itself. 

So even though the pace is not reflective of the effort I ran my body certainly felt the effort. I feel like I got hit by a bus the day after so I know the effort was there!

I stayed positive through the race! Yes, I had a moment or two in my head where I had a pity party  and a couple tears rolled but I quickly worked to look for the good, I smiled lots, I cheered fellow runners (out and back course) and I helped other runners that were struggling. My motto is that if it is not going to be my day I am going to help another in anyway I can to hopefully help it be their day. Getting out your own head is really important in moments like this.

In the 2 other circumstances that I toed the line of a marathon in this type of condition, they both ended in DNF's between mile 17-19.  I was definitely in a whole lots of hurt at miles 17 to 19 and so badly wanted to walk off the course but I had promised my daughter I would finish this thing so I started looking for ways to get it done. Lots prayer and  than 2 angels (runners) start talking to me around mile 17 when I wanted to quit. 

They were college girls running their first marathon.  I started running with them and they by my side I was able to keep going. After some conversation, I found out they go Western Michigan and that was my alma mater. We talked about the campus and what was still there after uhmh 19 years :-) This conversation was so needed as we were all struggling a bit and around 20 miles they wanted to start taking walk breaks. I was not about to leave them and had no desire to run this thing in alone after they saved me during my hardest miles. So I stuck by their side when they were hitting the wall. I coaxed them to keep going, keep moving, I gave them my gels, made sure they were getting plenty of fluids at the aid stations,  encourage them, broke the last 6 miles into segments so they could manage them mentally, distracted them with chatting about life, we took walk breaks, we danced under sprinkles, screamed loudly we've got this and we finished the race side by side with our arms raised. 

Not all races will you be given the best conditions, the best state of health but you can show up and be your best self!

I am proud to say that my best self showed up to run my hardest effort.

I pulled from my deepest resources to finish this race.

And for that I couldn't be more proud of myself and able to share this "never give up" journey with my children. 

Life is always unfolding perfectly even in our most challenging moments ~ 

Thank You God

Thank you God for giving me something that would challenge me to become a better version of myself, to force me to see myself as incomparable, to see my journey in a different light, to know that my timetable is unlike anyone else's, to find that voice in myself that says I LOVE ME, I AM PROUD OF ME, I AM WONDERFUL and I do not need others to validate what I know deep in my soul. That I do not need the world to approve of my journey or the whens or the hows or the whos. That I am the creator of my dream, that I am decider of my thoughts and actions, that I am the master of my fate.

Thank you God for giving me a talent and passion that would endure hardship, hurt, disappointment and heart ache. For this passion and mixed with my strong inner voice is always guiding me, leading me, coercing me to move past the struggle into the light.

Thank you God for always meeting me on my path with a light that comes with encouragement to keep going and keep seeking.

Thank you God for bringing very special people onto my path to journey with me, some have stayed with me for longer and some have helped me navigate different parts of my journey and than have moved on and some are brief encounters but nonetheless impactful.

Thank you God for the sights and places I have got to experience along the way.

Thank you God for this journey in becoming more me.