I saw this the day after I ran the Myrtle Beach Half Marathon and it pretty much summed how I was feeling.
Let's first start by saying that when I had registered for Myrtle Beach Half was well before my downhill marathon attempt at Charleston. After Charleston, I made myself a promise that I would not race again until I knew I was healthy and ready to go. Going into Charleston I knew my thyroid health was iffy at best. I knew things had not felt good in the days leading up to the race but I didn't listen to my intuition saying this is not good Jamie. I was registered so I would run. I ignored the signs and tried to tell myself I was going to be okay on race day. I wasn't okay at all and I paid both a physical and emotional prices for not listening to myself.
Flash forward fours weks, I had been feeling better than ever, running 3 awesome workouts and putting the miles in. I had 100% planned to train through Myrtle Beach Half. No taper, continue workouts and run Myrtle beach for fun and maybe a little faster than fun if I felt good. No racing though!!! I knew this but started seeing stars after a few great workouts. The oh how fast can I run this started flashing through my mind. This was stopped just 3 days before when I felt that old, familiar heart racing in the evening on the Thursday night 2 nights before the race. I took Friday off from running and by Friday afternoon when the decision to go to Myrtle Beach had to be made. I made the decision not to go run it as I knew that racing heart was a sign that something was off with my thyroid. It was a difficult decision and I shed a few tears while discussing it with my husband. Sometimes the decisions you need to make are not the ones you want to make.
Well my husband said "are you sure you want to do this - cancel" and I was 100% sure I was not going to race. He called the hotel to cancel and guess what? We missed the cancellation window so we made a very quick decision to go as not to have eat 2 nights hotel and 1 race fee. We'd go and have a nice weekend away at the beach. I would run but not race. I promised myself I would under no conditions put myself in harms way and I would run easy. The things is when the thyroid goes Hyper (racing heart) running can be dangerous and I needed to watch my heart rate.
On race morning, I was super happy to be with my sweet family that rolled out of bed at 5:30AM to get me to the race start. They were so sweet, loving and supportive as they dropped me off in the pouring, cold rain near the start. I got to see several friends at the start and wish them well. I ran without a garmin and knew I was going to run by feel. Crazy thing is when I am in hyper phase running at any pace feels difficult so I ran at a pace that allowed my heart not to feel funny. Anytime I felt that weird heart is working too hard feeling, I backed off and just tried to take my mind off running by chatting with people along the course. I knew the pace to be somewhat slower than I even thought I would run when I was chatting with a marathonor and he told me he was right on target and told me his average. I was like geez really and I feel this bad at that pace. I am so happy that I made to decision not to use a garmin because I think I would have gotten discouraged and upset if I saw my pace. Instead I focused on what I could control which was my attitude and my experience.
I finished at a time I had not run since I ran my second half marathon when I first started running 10 yrs ago but I had finished and with my sweet family there for me. I was very satisfied. Later that afternoon, I would shed a few tears of frustration but those passed as I napped away the afternoon in a super cozy and awesome resort getaway. The beach, ocean and beauty of watching my children chase each other on the beach in the afternoon renewed my hope and love of life.
This thought came to my mind - it(life) really doesn't have to go perfectly to be perfectly beautiful. That these times when we are raw is when the beauty of life emerges. Your heart just has to remain open to receive it.
Life is beautiful! Stay Open!