Sunday, December 30, 2012

Post Vacation & Return to training - Week in Reveiw

So after I had almost an entire week of running well 5 days :-) after Kiawah. The first week back felt good - the shin was better than ever and I felt okay body-wise. Although my second run back was 6 miles and I felt like crap and struggled to run a 9 minute mile that day. I had a few runs and one short workout sprinkled in week 2 post marathon and this week the mileage workouts & long runs resumed.

I felt pretty good overall. Hard to get serious about training with the kiddos home and the holidays in the air. I was suppose to run on Christmas day but I really couldn't get myself to get out the door. So I stayed in watching Christmas movies, watching my kids play with toys, ate sugar cookies and lots of leftoer goodies from Christmas eve dinner. I figured Christmas Day was the day to relax and enjoy my family and I had plenty days to get after it so relax I did. Yes the week would have been over 70 if I had done that easy 6 miler on Christmas but I will take 66 for the week back.

Here is how the week played out mileage wise -

Monday - 14 easy
Tuesday - Off
Wednesday - 10 easy
Thursday - 8 Recovery + strides + core
Friday - 2 w/u, 2x3 miles, 2 c/d
Saturday - Power Yoga & 8 recovery
Sunday -16 easy @ 8:30 avg

Mileage - 66 miles

Saturday, December 29, 2012

All these little things

I'm in love with you and all these little things

I was listening to this song cause it is my new song obsession but it had me thinking of all these little things I love about my body!

Yes, that's right I LOVE MY BODY not in a oh your so beautiful, look at me way but in Thank you God for gifting me with a body that can do amazing things.

All these little things that I love my body -

I love my feet - strong & high arches
I love my hips & thighs as they so strong.
I love the length of my legs.
I love my calves are they are so powerful.
I love my hands are they are so useful and beautiful.
I love my eyes as they allow me to see the world and smile with love.

My body has allowed me to carry, birth and nurse healthy babies.

My body allowed to chase and hug these babies and kiss on them endlessly.

My body allows my spirit/soul to express itself through hugging, dancing, yoga, walking and running.

My body has allowed me to follow my dreams, run endless miles, see some great sites.

When I talking with my sister about this thyroid condition and recent weight gain due to the thyriod. I said to her I will not say one bad thing about this wonderful body of mine. I am not the weight I am gained, I am not my body and I am a soul that was gifted with a wonderful body that I must take good care of .

My body is the a gift from God to carry out my dreams and I will treat it as such by taking good care of it. So it will be feed well, supplemented with iron, omega 3s and thyroid med, sticked, foam rolled, stretched, massaged and be subjected to regular ice baths cause I love it so much. It's these little things that allow me to contiune to run and BE ME.

I am not my body

Friday, December 28, 2012

Return to Getting After it

First workout back and I have so much gratitude and excitement coursing through my body. I went into this workout with no exceptations at all. I knew the pace guidelines but was ready to disregard in favor of effort. I was calm and not overly optimistic but knew if I stayed in the right place mentally to let something happen it would and it did! I have no idea how it happen but it was a miraclous run that gave me a glimspe into the fitness that is underneath just waiting for the right conditions to burst to the surface.

This workout gave me so much hope to hang my hat on and the will to keep on keeping on!

So the workout was a 2 mile w/u, 2X3 Mile @ 6:55-7:05 with 4 minute rest & 2 C/d

I did warm-up in the cold air that I love :-) It was maybe 40 degrees with a chilly breeze. Lovely! I didn't feel all that super during the warm-up and my pre-workout strides weren't all that fast but they did get the legs moving at a decent enough clip. Again I was in a state of no exceptations when I started and when I hit the first 400 comfortably at 7:10 and didn't feel like I was pressing I just let the run come to me and just relaxed into the pace..never pressing -just relaxing. I was so surprised and delight when I finished the first 3 mile set with these splits - 7:08, 7:10, 7:03  - Averge 7:07

So the first set brought my confidence up that I was going to okay running in that range because it never felt challenging. Than I started rolling in my first mile of my second set and I saw sub-7 minute pace. I tried not freak but just allow it if my body felt good enough to run that pace do not let my mind get in the way so I worked to stay relaxed and happy and had amazing second set - 6:58, 6:55, 6:52 - averaging 6:54. OMG! I was shocked, happy, relieved, hopeful and beyond grateful for this run!! I needed it so bad to help me work through these next weeks. I have big miles and workouts and hoping my body & mind stay with it and the thyroid meds kick in and allow for me to run to my potential this season!

I had an appt with sport med dr today and should have the complete thyroid blood work in a week so they can get me on the right meds and dosage level.

Good stuff ahead!!
Pinned Image

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Serenity Prayer Goals

serenity prayer
My Fall Training Season required this Prayer and I do not think I gave this prayer enough focus for all the ups and downs that Fall provided - heat & humidity that would not go away when summer ended, Fall allergies & asthma that would contiune longer into the fall due the extended heat, developed funky shin issue from poorly laced shoes, and than the fogginest of extreme fatigued and poor race performances that would start up in September & October.
These are not excuses but elements outside of my control that I spent too much time trying to control or rather focusing on which distracted me from my goals.
Goal #1 - Let go of the things I can not control and pray that I can still do my best given any circumstance. Know that any obstacle is just a test to see how bad I  want it. Be happy with any outcome as long as I am giving it my all both physically and mentally. 
Stop the worrying and focus on what you can control.
Goal #2 - Have the courage to change the things that need changing. There are several things I need to change so that can focus on this next stage of my goal. Limit distractions, stay in the moment, appreciate what is, stay positive in all circumstances, do more of the little things and always remember my purpose.
courage to change
Goal #3 - Pray for wisdom and guidance to make the right decisions on this path and trust that the answers I receive are divine guidance. Let go of control and do not worry and TRUST.
trust yourself.
Something I relearned on my cruise from all the amazing Jamiacan crew onboard -
Don't worry, man :-)
Don't Worry - Be Happy

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Lessons of Patience

Ah life is often trying to teach you sometime to make you  into a better person and bring you closer to your divine nature/true potential. God/Universe/life is always using trials & obstacles to move you in the right direction not to stop you so the sooner you understand that fact the sooner you can get to the learning of the lesson.

I feel this so much from the trials of this fall. After getting my hypothryriodism diagnoise, I spent a lot of time reflecting and thinking about how I will move forward with diagnose and what it will take to get through this bump.

The biggest issue is now out of the way - we have a clear and definite answer which up until now it was still a bit murky as the iron supplementation had not done what it was suppose to do which was to bring me out of the fog of sluggishness and under-performance. I am hopeful with a visit to a sport med dr and getting on the right meds and dosage, I will be on my merry way to awesomeness this spring.

In a back and forth conversation with my coach about this issue, I came to a realize that this next stage in my training will take much patience. And maybe that is the BIG lesson that I am suppose to be learning in all of this was patience. As I was writing to my coach, I heard the words I was writing, they were calm, optimistic and patient  which was very unlike me this past year. I wanted everything yesterday and was becoming dissatifited with slow progress and maybe life said "HOLD UP SISTER - YOU NEED TO BE MORE PATIENCE AND LOVE WHAT IS NOW!"

Patience requires patience.

I know this past 6-8 months was not meant to break me but build me up stronger as both a runner and person but in a spiritual growth that only true adversity can change someone's heart and mind.

Thank you God for these trials and what you are working to do in my heart and life. I will work everyday to have mindful patience and rejoice in all the gifts and miracles that I received daily.

May you all look at your obstacles/struggles as gifts to learn from and glim some deep meaning from!

Much love and light to you all as we celebrate the Holiday Season of LOVE, COMPASSION & RENEWAL.
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;  they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31

Monday, December 24, 2012

Home & Big New Answer

Arrived home yesterday from a great family vacation onboard the Disney Cruise Line Dream. Our family loves our time on the Disney Cruise's. If you have not experienced this amazing world, I highly recommend it for so many reasons.

When I arrived home, I had a letter in the mail from my dr telling me that recent bloodwork came back with the iron now in the normal range but TSH is Abnormal at a 5.43 and I needed to get on thryiod meds. Funny thing is when I went for blood work I had asked her only for the iron bloodwork and the DR insisted I get a CBC and I thought she was silly that I just needed my most recent ferritin level. I guess elevated TSH levels and low ferritin go hand and hand.

I was totally freaked out when I read the letter as my Dad has lots of issue in his life with his thryoid, I have no history of thryiod issues myself and was a bit freaked when I did a google search on the my TSH level. Than I came across a couple articles that linked both Galen Rupp and Carl Lewis with hypothryiodism which lead me to a running forum with lots of people having thyroid issues. Many describe how their thyroid issues causes huge performance issues and are season enders.

Here is an except from the forum that shed some light on just how big performances can suffer -

Yet another male thyroid condition.

I had a PR of about 15:30 for 5K, then all of sudden I ran a bunch of terrible races. The breaking point was when I ran a 17:12 on an easy road course. I went to the doctor, they said there was nothing wrong with me, maybe allergies and I convinced them to do some blood work for the heck of it. Found a thyroid condition, then went on to make the Olympic Trials in the Marathon and had my best year ever (2002). I would said thyroid conditions are more common in women, but some men do have them and it is very heriditary. Good luck, get the test, and get the meds if you need them.

This news does excite me and really give me hope that with the continued iron supplementation and getting on thryiod meds that the work I have done for so long is going to shine through someday soon. And it makes me really happy that my body can run a marathon with a TSH of 5.43 when many runners say they need to be at or near a level 1 to be running well. I really have no idea but only for all the information I glimmed from the forum but it explains so much of my struggles in the past 4-6 months. 

I can only be excited and hopeful at what my body can do when it is regulated :-) 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Love Shall Set You Free

This blog should really be titled: Leap of Faith: Part 2 

Although love is what made this day possible for me. When fear and doubt started pressing on me, I prayed and stayed in faith and what replaced was lots of love that gave me the courage I needed to get out there.

I did have this initial fear that due to lack of training, I might fall apart out there on the course especially when the weather forecast came in but I had to block it out. I think what made it easier to block out when I had so much love and support.

Here is a picture of me at my PT office just 2 days before the race where I was greeted with so much love and they made this awesome hat for me that read Go Jamie and one of my favorite quotes from Raplh Waldo Emerson - Nothing great was ever done without Enthusiasm  I received so many hugs and well wish and got the biggest most loving hug from the gentlemen there in the background. He had so much strength in that hug that I knew that all would be well. For me, it was like God saying do not worry all will be well. That suppressed any fears that tried to come up.

Than the next day, I had to leave on my own to drive the 3 hrs without the usual support of my family. Okay anyone that knows my family has a good idea that Nick is my rock and to be leaving without him and doing this thing without his presence was causing my chest to constrict. I was sure I was going to have a panic attack trying to get myself out the door and on the road. Alas just at the moment, I needed to leave I received a call from my closet friend wishing me well and coaxing me out the door. Without that call, I am sure I would have been clinging to the front door for hours trying get myself to leave. As I got in my car, I saw few text messages from close friends wishing me well and which gave  the courage to open that door and get my arse driving and than I saw the card on sitting my dashboard from my husband - urging me to go, have fun and that I was in his thoughts. I literally bawled while driving for the first hour. I was crying not because I was sad because I felt this overwhelming sense of love and when I dwelled in that place my heart knew what I was doing was right. After the tears were dried and my heart was open, what remained was peace. No fear, No doubt..just peace and calm. When I prayed for strength to give me the courage to do this thing, God sent me love by way of family and friends support.

It really was all the love, well wishes and prayers you all set me that gave the courage and peace to get out there and be happy. I learned that there is something bigger than fear - it is LOVE. That in order to overcome fears we must dwell in love and know that we need each other and sometimes a simple note telling someone that they are in your thoughts and you are wishing them well is enough to proper them to were they need to be.



Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My Leap of Faith

So I think that I am still on that post-marathon high of happiness and being satisfied. Funny how having a very satisying experience can feel better in some aspects than achieving a PR.

I think I came away with some things that are more valuable than a PR.

*** First, I trusted my intuition on going to Kiawah. Somehow your intuition already knows what you are meant to do by learning to let it guide your decisions and than trusting it even when outside circumstances would let you doubt more than to trust. I did that - I trusted my intuition!

*** Second, I had an outcome goal that was not time related so it allowed me not to focus on pace and not get discourage if I was not on a PR pace. My outcome goal was I wanted to have fun, renew my love for the marathon, encourage others on the course, let it come to me and above all else BE IN THE MOMENT. All of those were accomplished.

- I had fun, I smiled alot, I sung to my ipod, I slapped hands with kids, I threw my arms in the air for the people cheering, I smiled at and thanked volunteers at water stations.
- I took the time to help fellow runners when they were struggling, I coached several people out of the mental spiral when they were slowing, and I am encouraged runners that were hauling ass or looking weary.
- I never forced my pace and never let my mind get down even in the last couple of miles when I could feel the heat, humidity and my body not being use to running this long. I encourage myself with all the good stuff I could find in my head. I can not remember one negative thing I let in my head cause I really don't think I ever had a negative thought.
- I let the race unfold as it was meant to and never felt like I needed to control it and I ran on effort.
- I stayed in the mile that I was in - never looking past that mile in my own head which allowed me to stay in the moment.

Another big win for the day was my fuel strategy, I had exceuted perfectly and with no tummy problems. Uhm! Finally after 14 marathons, I think I have figured out what works best for my body. I actually think I could used one or two more gels without tummy distress. I will be working on going from 4 gels to 6 gels in my next marathon.

So when my mind threathen to bring up details like you have only ran long 2 times since September and the last long run was 3 weeks out not two weeks out.  I am still in awe that I would able to block that the fact that I had only a couple runs under my belt and my mileage had been low trying to get out from the fatigue and my leg and that most of miles were on the AlterG up until 2-3 weeks before the Kiawah. If I would have let my mind and logic in before this event tham I think that would have mentally crippled on that startline. I would just never let any of this in after I made the decision to go to Kiawah telling myself that no matter the training, just trust your instinct and all will be well. Go and do what is your heart and all will be well.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Do More

DO more of what fires you up.  When you are living out your passion actively - not just thinking about it or planning when you’ll do it, but DOING it - life happens.  Real, full, life.  DO more of what fires you up.  When you are actively doing the things that make you come alive, you find an endless well of creativity, giving, love, energy and inspiration.  Life gets richer in the best ways possible. Write a list of all the things that fire your heart up and post it where you can see it all the time!  Then… DO them.
It’s been such an inspiring day seeing all the Making Things Happen alum post their lists of what fires them up in our private Facebook group!  I encourage you to post yours too and share it on your blog or Facebook or wherever!  MTH alum, share yours too!  You never know who you’ll inspire or connect with.  Post links to your lists here and feel free to use this template to create yours! I’m working on my new list now (here’s my list from last year - I still love it all!) and will post it soon, too! - Lara

Kiawah really fired me up! I can not believe it had been almost 11 months since I ran a marathon! Really I frickin love the marathon. They are so different that short distance races. I think I am physically, emotionally and mentally best suited to the marathon. I almost always under perform in shorter distance races as compared to what I am suppose to be able to run but I always over perform for my level in the marathon. I think it comes down to a few things the marathon is not just a race. It is a journey for everyone out on that course. By nature I am not a competitive person in any realm so it is hard for me to put myself in a competitive mindset needed to be successful in the shorter distances whereas my cheerleader mentality comes in handy and is a huge strength in the marathon. When I can reach out to others on a course and help them along, I can help myself. Cheering others to success only fuels my energy level so this mindset what helps me be successful at the marathon.

I am very fired up about my decision to run more marathons and less half marathons or shorter distances. I want to focus on the distance that I love and is best for my strengths. Yes I will work on the speed stuff in the off season of not marathon training but I will not be racing shorter distances especially in the summer! That about wrecked my confidence!


Saturday, December 8, 2012

Kiawah Race Report

Surprise! I ran a marathon today! As most of you know, I decided last minute to run a marathon well last week I decided. It was apparent that the inflammation in my shin was not going to go away 100% till I rested it and I was not able to get in 2 important long runs for Jacksonville due iron issues and leg. I had to make the decision not to run Jacksonville but was not ready to give up running a fall marathon. With the go ahead from my coach and under the care of my PT and ART Therapist to keep inflammation to a minimum while I prepared for Kiawah, well tapered and running 63 miles the week before is not really tapering. I had upped the iron supplement and was hoping that with 14 days on the upped iron dose my body would feel good.

At the beginning of the week and after I registered and decisions were made, I starting feeling the affects of this warm weather pattern we have had in the Carolinas. We went from cold AMs and mild afternoons to just plain warm and humid. This caused my body to think it was spring and my body reacted to this weather pattern by giving me bout of spring time allergy fun.  Headache, silly tummy, stuff/runny noise, congested chest and overall blah. This gave me pause to even be thinking of running a marathon feeling like this but I knew I was suppose to be there so I kept rolling with the punches and praying for the highest god. I was doing a good job staying positive as I knew I could run through it even though it would not be pleasant. Than Thursday came and I saw the weather forecast. I will be honest  it did bum me out of first and put the first bit of fright in me that I would have to work hard to shake off. Yeah starting temps lows 50s with 100% humidity warming to upper 60s and with humidity at 90% by 10AM. Great! Now I get to fight my humidity-induced asthma. By Thursday, I was a ball of nerves - Did I make the right decision to go? I was sure I was following my intuition and had no doubt that I was suppose to go to Kiawah but why did this freak heat wave hit in what is usually my best training month because I can usually count on December to be low humidity and the continual frosts to keep allergens down - no such luck this month.

After I had my initial freak out, I calmed myself down and just worked to accept what is and not what I wanted. I knew there was a reason for this that I may not understand now. I started focusing on the things I could control to have a great day. One being I could go and HAVE FUN! I could go and HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE! Those are things within in my control! I could SMILE, I could encourage others and I can run. So many people have worked so hard to get me to that line I owed it to all of them to be the best me possible on this day!!

I knew I had to start conservative given the weather and drink early and often. I stayed conservative for first 3 miles and than got on a comfortable 7:55-8:05 pace range and was so enjoying myself for the first 18 miles at that range even with the slight wheezing in my chest I was pretty happy but starting coming off that pace a bit and had  to focus a bit to stay on pace and it was no longer easy. After 20 miles, the realization that I had only done 2 long runs hit me since September - one 18 & 20. I decided I would take my mind off that being singing with my Ipod Call Me Maybe. That was great fun as I would pass people smiling at them singing Call me Maybe :-) and doing the phone sign. Not only did that help me out of my funk but I was able to bring a few smiles to weary faces. Who knows - they may have lost that smile and thought bitch after I passed but it help distract me from thinking about the distance. Than around mile 23 my glutes starting talking to me big time. Funny how my shin never bothered me but glutes were pretty much screaming what the frick are you doing!!!! You have not run this far in a long time! That is not what got me though in the final 2-3 miles, it was just that I could not breathe at all! My chest had been getting progressively worse as the miles past but especially difficult to breathe in the final 2 miles. I could have pushed though any muscle discomfort but the fact that I needed air was enough to slow me by 30-45 seconds in the final miles. But funny thing all I could think in those final miles is, I am so glad I came and did this!!!

I am super happy and so thankful for all the love and support that everyone gave me. I could not have done this without it.

I am proud of myself for seeing this through even if a PR was not on the line. I had fun and really enjoyed myself. I am happy that I put my fears aside and ran with heart today. I am happy this will not be one of those things in my life that I wonder what would have happen if I would had done that. I did it and it was marvelous! Just marvelous!

I am looking forward to my rest period and catching up with holiday activities that I had been back burning in the last couple of weeks. Oh it does help that we are going on cruise next week and than to Disney World.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Fighting for your Dreams

One of the biggest things I have learned is that you really have to fight for your dreams! It is simply not enough to say Oh I want this thing or achievement or I would love this....

Cause the minute you put it out there the world will start testing your resolve in so many different ways. The declaration of the dream is the first act but that act will be followed with many situations that will make you fight or crawl away towards your goal. You have to make the decision every day to fight! Even on the days when there is no fight and you are tired. The only choice you have is to fight.

You will have people that do not believe in you, would rather you not chase your dreams because it forces them to look at themselves and what they are not doing in their life, you will have circumstances that test you, you may hit points in the road where you wonder if it is all worth it, you may work so hard and have very little show for it, you may have times that your fear can get bigger than your faith.

That beautiful dream that you conceived in your heart can fade very quickly in the background of your mind when all these things come at you.

One simple truth - You must fight to keep them alive!

God will not be there every morning putting the fight in you. You have to put the fight in you and know that God has your back. God is on the other side of NEVER GIVE UP.

Yeah it would so much easier if every moment of the day that someone was whispering encouragement into you ear. Not how it works! You must nurture the fight and than believe that your miracles/blessings will happen when it is God's time.

Another simple truth that I have learned - Do the work and the results will show up when they are suppose to!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Run Vlog

Giddy up marathon pace run - averaged 7:28 - A bit quick but I used the miles to focus on what the final miles of the marathon were going to feel like and how to push myself.
Praying for the highest good!


I believe in miracles! I see miracles!

I keep meaning to write about this and truly believe it was my miracle. The weekend of Thanksgiving my daughter made me another one of her book marks. Little did I know that the words she would write me on the Thanksgiving Eve would have the power to pull me through a tough weekend and give me the emotional power to believe in something that seems illogical. I will to do a vlog later so that you can see the book mark but it read - Believe in Yourself, Believe, Believe in your Dreams

Yes, I was speechless when she handed it to me. I was like Joey where do you hear these words and her response was I just thought them in my head.

It was really miraculous that she had written these words down. Little did I know that I would need these words in the next few days as I literally start struggling with my iron and my leg would be flared bad and which would prevent me from running 2 important runs in prep for Jacksonville. Even when my mind would want to dwell on the impossiblites of all this my heart would sing just believe something good is coming.

I believe in Miracles! I see Miracles!

Monday, December 3, 2012

Settle Down

There is this song that when I hear it I often feel as if this is the song my husband would sing to me to comfort me through all lifes ups and downs.

Especially over my bumpy last couple of months when I have been struggling. My sweet hubby always there to comfort and help me set aside doubt and fear. Helping me to settle down and navigate the uncertain waters that I try to swim in. Somehow he always know how to help me and I feel so blessed :-) Somehow I feel like God/Universe knew I would need such selfless, loving, and kind man to help me reach my potential. What a gift!! I am reveling in gratitude for this beautiful man and the amazing gift that I have received from the heavens above. He is my anchor! He allows me to fly as high I need to and always at arms reach should I need a hand to pick me up if I fall or a shoulder to cry or a heart to listen to me. Love it is a beautiful thing! I count my blessings that found my soul mate 16 yrs ago and that God has strengthen our bond over the years.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Does not look like a taper or feel like a taper but in fact is a taper - Week in Review

I think the title says it all - Taper Time but this week doesn't exactly look like a taper but hey not much of my fall marathon prep has been textbook.

Monday 8 easy
Tuesday 14 miles - 6 easy & 8 marathon pace miles
Wednesday (AM) 4 recovery & (PM) 6 erecovery
Thursday 30 minute ellitpical & Stretch
Friday 2 easy w/u, 6 @ MP, 2 easy
Saturday 12 easy
Sunday 9 easy

Total miles - 63 miles

Reminding myself to enjoy everyday of my taper. Relax, Enjoy and Let go! 

Friday, November 30, 2012

Lots of Good Stuff

I received this a couple weeks back and it has been hanging on my refrigerator smiling at me everyday. I was making some decisions about my marathon plans and realized everything is centered on this one marathon. Do I keep training through this leg thing or give it a rest and allow it to heal so that I can do a complete new training cycle for Boston? Do I rest and let the iron store come back up more quickly? And Boston is still for fun so what after that? Lots of things running through my head but I am happy to have made a few decisions that make me happy and that I feel content tot let my intuition guide me.

Tomorrow I will be registering for a marathon that I have wanted to run for years but it fills up as quickly as Boston or Chicago does so I have always missed out it. It is the Bayshore Marathon in Traverse City, MI. A beautiful resort town in upper Michigan that is very sought after course due to temps, course and scenery. It is 6 weeks after Boston. My intention for Boston has always been - I want to run this race for fun and in celebration. I want to take it all in without regard to having to run XYZ time. I want to be able to stop and hug family and take a quick photo and slap high fives with the crowd! Just absorb the day in all its glory which is sometimes hard to do when you are focused on PRing.

On another note, I ran into a running friend this evening at a neighborhood event and she said sorry for my struggles. I always think it both sweet for someone to be sympathetic but always uncomfortable for me. My response was that I am not at all sorry about all this stuff. I am feel so so so blessed to be on this path. These tests are simply to make me stronger and for that there is no need for sympathy. I need everyone of these experiences to make into the runner I need to be to reach my goals. I frickin get to run and do what I love day in and day out!!!!! You simply can not have the good without the bad. I really love every single day that I am on this path. Yes, tears have been shed while on this journey but I am human and the tears are always my way of surrendering my will to the God. I am learning so much both running-wise and in my walk with God. I am learning to stretch my faith and trust in something bigger than my own will. 

I have actually had a shift in how I view the obstacles that has really made all the difference. I truly believe that every obstacle is just a test of faith and there is something that I am suppose to learn from the obstacles so I work hard to see what is I am suppose to learn patience, compassion, love, gratitude, obedience. I am learning to have grace with myself and the process. I have been enjoying the process of finding God's miracles wrapped up in all this wonderment of the journey. 

In the end and to be cliche, it is not the destination - it truly is the journey  I am enjoying my journey to the fullest! Life is simply not about the achievement of something but for me it the lesson learns, the people you met and the experiences that change you to your core. I am content, I am Happy, I am supported by the best in the business of coaching and healing and I have the faith a 1000 men.  Life is simply beautiful!!! 

And one more thing to note, I had another rockin MP workout today. I think my coach had me lessen the volume of the run but make it a bit quicker. Really trying to get my body use to what marathon pace should feel like. Again I really had to commit to running this pace and not letting off the gas as when my mind was not focused on the effort I would find myself slipping to the 7:40s. There comes a point in both a training run and a race that you have to commit to the discomfort and not back off. Today was another day is helping me to prepare. For whatever reason, my body or mind just didn't feeling like working today but somewhere in the second mile I just committed myself to this run and finished out right on track. 

2 miles easy, 6 miles at 7:27, 7:31, 7:30, 7:33, 7:31, 7:24, 2 easy cool-down 

Here is another VLOG post

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Tuesday's run

I am still smiling about my Tuesday run. I had 14 miles with 8 miles at MP. It was such a satisying run. I did it outside off the treadmill, off the track and off the AlterG. I was so happy to be finding my stride outside on the road again. Although I hit the second mile of my MP miles and I didn't feel that great and struggling at first to find marathon pace and relax into it. There was a thought that said "oh your iron levels are down, you can shut this down" and  I fought that thought with we'll just take this mile by mile and if I can't settle into a pace than I will shut it down but somewhere I settled into the pace. One thing I remind myself is that MP is not easy and I am going to have to work so I have remember how to work and relax. I think you get to a point where you think it should be easy and when it is not easy it can be discouraging but it felt great to push past this place mentally & physically to have a terrific run. While yes I have run 8 miles of MP faster in August & September. I was so happy that I mentally pushed through and feel excited that I was able to run this pace given my iron levels and it makes me excited to think about what is possible with higher iron stores.

6 easy & 8 miles at  - 7:39, 7:33, 7:34, 7:35, 7:33, 7:35, 7:27, 7:10 - 7:31 average

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Back to the Iron

So one of my struggles that has been confirmed is that my iron level is low and suspect for my ups and downs for the past 6 months. Should have know but you think oh I eat meat so I am fine and even when my coach suspected that was cause of my crash & burn in October and inconsistent performances both in racing & training, I still was not sold on the low iron being the root cause.

We suspected it and I went on iron for a week and when I didn't see any difference, yes, I stopped taking it as I just thought that I was fatigued and not fit. How one runs 60-70+ mpw for 6 months is out of shape does not make sense but that is how the low iron made me feel - tired and out of shape. There were days I could not run a 10 minute mile and was bombing work outs. It just got worse and worse till I was so tired that I could not even run at all. I took a week off to recover from this fatigue.

Anyway as of Monday, I am officially on an iron supplement that should help me continue to train while restoring my Iron stores. I am taking in 50-60 mg of liquid iron to help boost the iron stores. Once my iron has come back up, I will than stay on the iron to help maintain my iron stores.

I am hoping to feel the effects of the iron supplementing within the next week. No wonder after my week of rest I felt so fast like I was souped up on EPO, nope just had good iron stores.

Monday, November 26, 2012

When one door closes

We all have heard this saying when one door closes another one opens. I wonder how many of us makea conciuos effort to remember this and have faith when that door we wanted so bad closes on us!

I felt that way yesterday. I was grieving the closing of a door and full well knowing that another door would open but my heart had a hard time letting go of the door I had fought hard to open for myself and to know it was closing my heart was aching. I cried on & off trying to figure out a way to let it go and asking god to help me let it go. Eventually I was able to look at the close door and say good bye and move on from it knowing God would open another sometime soon for me. So I let it be, picked my chin up and reminded myself that my jounrey does not end cause one door closed on me. Knowing God was good and would provide me an answer I was able to let go of the pain and embrace the joy of day and all that is good in my life. And wouldn't you know it that my next door opened in a unexpected and exciting way.

I got to thinking this afternoon that it is so easy to stay sobbing at the door that closes. Thinking of the what ifs, but I wanted and why nots and letting yourself wallow it. It would be so so so so easy to do that! It is the hardest thing to pick yourself up, smile and say that is okay I know there is a better way somewhere out there and I will wait patiently for that door to appear.

I think many never really see the new door open because their heart and mind are stuck so much staring at the closed door thinking of ways it will reopen and why did it have to close. It is simply not going to open again and the sooner you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and smile the sooner you will get to the good stuff that is waiting for you!!

It is a leap of faith to let go of that closed door!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving & Reflection on Wednesday run

Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be thankful for and spending a day in deep gratitude is always good for the soul.

So yesterday I woke up feeling so blah and trying to get my self excited to do a big work out. I felt overly tired and yuck plus the kids were home so it was hard to get my head in the game so when the babysitter arrived - I jetted out the door feeling pretty indifferent about my workout. I had hoped I would feel good once I started running but no my easy warm-up and strides were not great but thought about the times when I felt horrible during a warm-up and still had a great workout so I had some hope.

Started my first set of 3X3 @ 7:10-7:20 pace. Felt okay in the first mile at 7:17 and in the second mile I was okay at 7:20 but felt like I was working to hard to maintain 7:20 pace in the second. Felt sluggish and the effort seemed harder than it should finish at 7:25 - yikes and felt wiped out from it. I started the second start with a 7:16 and felt I was going to vomit in that second mile. I knew I something was off - I was overly tired, not taking in a enough carbs and not recover from my 20 miler. Funny after a doing this for a year, I know when my body is not up for the effort and I pull the plug on this work out, no sense in digging myself in a hole at this point. After the last hole I had dug for myself, I will not be making that mistake again. I decide just to run it in easy for a completion of 14 miles with 4 miles averaging 7:20. I feel like this was a good call on my part as my body didn't mind running easy but it definitely did not want to run fast which I believe was due to low glycogen stores from running my easys too fast in the days before and not allowing my body to fully recover my 20 miler & not taking in enough carbs. Lesson learned and happy to complete 14 miles. I will take it!

My leg is starting to really feel good and I am confident that I will be 100% when I toe the line in Jacksonville.

We are excitingly planning our Christmas vacation trip starting my marathon on Dec 16. Immediately following my marathon, we will do a 2 hour drive to get on our 4 day Disney cruise followed by 4 days at the Disney Parks and Legoland arriving home on Dec 23rd. Very excited about this trip!

Now if you are close to me you know that my goals have changed for Jacksonville Marathon. I am using it as a training run and no goals effort in prep for my goal race of Charleston Marathon which is 5 weeks after Jacksonville. After my crazy October and beginning of November, I felt the need to reassess things and this is what feels like the best decision for me.

My goal is to go Jacksonville and fall in love with the marathon again. It has been way too long since I have run a marathon. Go with no exceptions just to run because I fricking love to run the marathon! Than I recover for 10 days and getting some solid training and run hard in Charleston.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Vlog #5 & #6

So my kids are asking em everyday if I made another vlog and a girlfriend told me her son watched all my vlogs.

Here is my thinking, I have been at home and hanging out with kids so much that my silliness is part of my speech and entertaining kids for the last 9 years and this comes across in the videos because the kids are more interested in my antics than what I am actually saying :-)

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Let it Be - Week in Review

When you try to move in every direction - STOP & Let it be and it will come.

I am learning to live in the moment. Expecting only that each day is a gift and letting it be what it is going to be. Ah - Freedom and Peace in letting it be. I think each day of this week was amazing and unfolded beautifully.

Monday 8 AG easy
Tuesday 7.5 with 5 Tempo (AG)
Wednesday 8 Recovery AG
Thursday 4 easy + 4X20 Second strides, 8.5 easy AG
Friday 2 w/u, 6 X 1 mile 2 6:58, 1.5 c/D
Saturday Power Yoga
Sunday 20 easy @8:33

Lots of gratitude for the moment and learning to live more fully in the moment!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Some things just don't Go the Easy way

I saw this and was like yeah that about sums up this past year of training. It has been squiggly in circles and some step backs only to step forward only to go in circles again. I do know that in spite of all the circles & back-forths there has been tremendous progress even though there has been no race time to prove it.

I think some the progress has come from things that are not tangible like my spirit to Never Give Up has been put to the test like a million times over. My faith is being stretched and I am becoming more at peace in a spiritual way.

I have given up the need to control the how outcome and just knowing is has to be sometime in my future is enough to help relax and let go to enjoy the ride and the people that are making this journey so so so special. I have been blessed with many amazing people to help me along in this journey.

All the hearts and hands that have taken such care to keep me going.

Just yesterday while at PT office, I told him we have 4 weeks of training left to my marathon. He response gave me so much peace and gratitude. He had basically comment so much effort to keep me healthy! I am so thankful for all the love, support and encouragment I get at that office from my PT, to all the PT assistants, the front desk gal all cheer me on while grind out endless miles on the AlterG. So much gratitude to them for letting me abuse their AlterG! What a gift!!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Letting Go is a process

I was speaking with my sister about the recent bumps in my road and my leg and she said something that was so powerful and struck a cord in my heart. God is just getting your attention!

That really opened up my heart to know that by staying in faith and relying more on God and less on myself than I am going to be okay.

When you leave things up to that higher power you are just more free to enjoy the process and live life to the fullest. No worrying about the hows and whys, jus tknowing it is going to be is such a powerful feeling.

This unplanned area of uncertaintly is actually forcing me to take everything day by day and live more in the moment which is such a beautiful thing that I am thankful for. Just being okay with whatever God lets unfold in my life on any given as I know his plans are to ultimately elevate me not harm me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Giddy Up

I have been so at peace with my training and just thankful to be training.

Yesterday I hit the AG treadmill for a tempo run. It went so well and nice to be running so fast again without much effort. It feels so nice to know that the fitness was there just still there underneath all that phyiscal and mental fatigue of late October.

I ran 2 easy, 5 Tempo @ 7:19, 7:13, 7:08, 7:03, 7:00 and only was able to squeeze in a half miles cool-down. All in all I was so pleased as I never felt stressed and even in my last miles I was relaxed enough to be singing to my ipod.

While running, I noticed a older lady watching me, I took out my ipod and smiled at her. She said to me I do not know how you have all that will power and I smiled at her and said it is not will power it is want power.

Giddy up :-)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

What is meant to be will always find a way

This quote is heavy on my heart today. I had added to my last post and it has just stuck with me. I keep have having all these insights and memories of how what is meant to be in your life will always find a way.

The one thought that keeps sticking with me is a recent experience in Detroit. My closet friend in High School was going to running the Detroit Half and we had tried to makes plans to meet up before the race. Due to me being there with my family and husband, it was difficult to find time to meet up with her. We didn't end making final plans.

Well this is how crazy and beautiful life is when something is meant to happen it will and you do not have to control it but just let it be. So we were at the expo for the race. Thousands of people jammed packed like fish trying swim upstream against a rise of fish trying to get downstream. My husband, my sister, my dad and myself all trying to get through without losing sight of each other. In a moment, my dad seem to break from the pack. Him being a bit shorter was not easy to spot in the crowd. My eyes were searching and landed directly on my best friend from high school. I haven't seen her in 13 yrs but I immediately recognized her. I took quick note of her location and made the split second decision that I could not lose my Dad in this crowd. Him being 65 and not use to crowds, I knew if I lost him the outcome would not be so happy. So I made the decision to find my Dad and come back to that area and look for Rachel (HS BFF). No such luck after reuniting with Dad. I had a moment where I thought Oh well I hope to see her tomorrow at the race somewhere.

Than after we left the Expo, we headed out into the city via the People Mover. As we were on the People Mover, we made a last decision to get off at the finishline stop to see the finishline staging area. This being my Dads and husbands first half marathon, I thought it would be fun for them to see and take the event in to its fullest. The streets around this part of Detroit were vacant. Hardly a soul or car in the area with the exception of some race personal doing some course management stuff. Anyway we goofed around in the clean and unused port-a-potties and chatted with the race personal when I just happen to turn and see a car. In that car was Rachel, I yelled Rachel and she was just as shocked as I was to find me in the middle of empty Detroit. She parked and we had our reunion of hugs and happiness to see each other again.

What is crazy about this reunion was had I not turned at the exact moment, she would have driven by and not seen us and had she not had her window down, she would not have heard me yell and or I may not seen in her car. It was a chilly day and she said that she had no idea why she her window down and kind of got lost trying to figure out how to get back to the highway from the expo. Seriously, this was fate at play.

When the first fate-induced meeting was missed than fate found a way to for us to meet again.

For me my heart is big and full knowing that what is meant to be will always find a way to be even when you think your opportunity has passed, it will find another way to come to you.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Vlog #3 & #4 are up

A day late and a dollar richer - Week In Review

So I didn't get to blog yesterday about my great weekend and friends I got to spend time with this week.

We are still nursing this leg back to health and being careful with it while returning to volume that I was at before. I am at a place of being okay with it not running miles in the 60-70s. Yes, there is part me that is screaming to be 100% but there is part of me that knows that I am here for a reason and being content with where I am instead wishing the circumstances where different. I only have 2 choices to be happy & content with where I am or be frustrated with where I had hoped to be. I think being happy is paramount so I have let go of the needing for it to be the way I had pictured my fall training to play out. I guess God has a different plan which is probably better than mine anyway. If God brought me to it, he will bring me through.

Very happy that I have been able to maintain my fitness through this speed bump.

Monday 8 miles AG
Tuesday 9 miles - 3 easy, 4 @ 7:25, 2 c/d
Wednesday 8 easy
Thursday 8 easy
Friday Core & Acupunture
Saturday Power Yoga
Sunday 18 easy

What is meant to be will always find a way to be :-) Namaste!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Moving away from Fear

I was chatting with a dear friend about moving away from fear and not letting fear drive your decisions.

There are only 2 emotions you can feel and everything emotions stems from one of these core feelings -


Fear is

I know that I am working on moving away from fear-based emotions that crop up every now again and keeps me stuck. When I catch my mind trying to dwell in one of those fear-based emotions I work quickly to counter it with a love-based emotion. Yes, it hard work and it is work that requires a constant nurturing and daily attention and focus.

When things appear in our lives that we didn't ask for nor want, it is very easy to let your heart feel one of those emotions but it also very easy to chose LOVE. Love is much more freeing and it leads to more Love-based emotions.

I chose LOVE! It takes courage to chose Love. It forces you not believe what others would have you believe! It takes you believing in yourself and your unique energy.

Jesus is Love and you are love! You have a choice!!! Try it when you want to respond to a situation that maybe provoke a fearful thought and emotion immediately shift that feeling into Love and feel the peace that will fill your heart!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Being Comfortable Being Alone

Today while running an 8 miler I had this thought about why I will succeed as a distance runner and on this path that I have chosen.

First being a distance runner and training mostly on your own requires you to spend a lot of time alone. You have be very comfortable being with alone for long periods of time with no one to distract your thoughts. You have to almost need that peace.

I realized today that since I am training for a marathon through the winter I will be doing most of the running alone. I did it last year and it was just a theraputic experience. The torture of running in the summer made seek out more companionship to distract from the demands of pushing my body around in heat & humidity while suffering Much easier when you have a friend to chat with and who is also feeling the pain. They say misery likes company so that about sums up my summer and early fall running.

Now I am completely comfortable putting in the miles alone in these temps. Just my thing but that brings me back to being able to be alone with yourself for hours.

I was thinking about how my mom told me that as a child that I would often be found alone away from others doing my own thing being alone in my own world. I did not need to have company and didn't seek out the comfort that my sisters and brothers needed. This is so much me and this personality trait followed with me throughout my life and still holds true. I very much need long periods of time alone to be in my own head without distractions. I know that this was something my husband has struggled with me since the beginning of our relationship. I would always seek alone time when he would seek out time together. He almost never requires time alone so we are almost on the opposite ends of the spectrum on this. We have found a balance and he definitely knows when I am needing alone time and is very respectful when I am seeking solice away from the family, him included. Even being a part of a sorotity in college, I was apart of the group but very much a lone wolf doing my own thing and being in my own world away from the business and socialiness of the soroty house.

Anyway I realized today that this very personality trait is required as a distance runner and one that needs to put in a lot work to reach their potential. Solitude to me is like coming home and is such a peace place for my spirit and soul to rest.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Vlogging is a fun way to share

So I tested out this vlog thing and it is getting good feedback from family & friends. Especially with the next couple months of cranking up the intensity and duration of running which may make me a bit more tired and less available from chats or hanging out unless of course you want to run with me but chances are our schedules are going to clash.

Here is Vlog#2

<--------- Check out this sidebar Hope you enjoy keeping up with me via video content and yes I do plan to continue to write as I find that very therapeutic and it helps me get things out of my head. Just good food for thought -

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Vlogging it

I totally got this niffy idea to vlog for some of my posts -

I think it is way more fun. It gives some of my family & friends far and away a look into my life that we don't otherwise get to see. I know reading can be boring sometimes or it time comsuming to sit down and read a few paragraphs. That is why I rarely get to read other blogs except for 2-3 favorites.

So a quick VLOG post every now and again will spice things up!

Here is my first try at it -

I am sure that I will figure the camera angle thing and best lighting some time but for now this should work to introduce my Finishing Full of Awesome VLOG!! YAY!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Its been weeks - Week in Review

WOW - All the topsy turvey of my life and training and finally back to regular training.

Had a great week back in training where most of the miles were put in on the AlterG treadmill to keep impact stress off of the medial part of shin while we were trying to figure out what was the cause of the pain. By Friday, I had therapy done on it several times and seen lots of progress and so decided to try out the AlterG for the long run. It wasn't so bad as I had lots of company at the PT clinic and the time seem to go by quickly especially when they put on Tosh Comedy Central show on the TV.

Anyway I finally tested out the leg today. I decide to head to the track for the soft surface and easy to pull the plug on the run if the leg wasn't good. I felt great and the run itself made me think "did someone slip some EPO in my dinner last night?" or is this what fresh legs feel like seriuosly without realizing it I was running easy between 8:15-8:30 with the first mile a bit slower. Than I had strides at the end the totally blew me out of the water. I went into them thinking I just wanted run them gently as I didn't want to force the legs to run fast. I did the first one pretty effortlessly and fluidly and shocked to see I hit 5:15 pace, than 4:49, 4:40, 4:34 pace. Okay yes these are just strides but the crazy thing is I was not pressing them and I felt they were effortless and mind you I have never done strides in the sub-5 range. So this is what fresh legs feel like - you can actually run fast!!! I must remember this because Jeff is not going to let me stay fresh for very long.

Monday (AM)8.5 easy AG (PM)4 easy AG
Tuesday (AM) 6 easy AG
Wednesday (AM) 8 easy AG
Thursday Core
Friday 16 easy AG
Saturday Power Yoga
Sunday 8 easy + Strides

Total - 50ish miles - Pretty please with my comeback week

Pinnacle Pose

Yesterday while at yoga, I had this epihany as my favorite yoga instructor made a comment during our practice that the pose we were currently in was preparing for the pinnacle final pose towards the end of class.

If you practice yoga than you understand that every pose builds into the next one. You first work at warming up muscles slowly to allow them to go deeper. You do less intense poses as you open up more and more muscle groups so that by the end of class you are prepared for that one pinnacle pose.

Yesterday we were moving towards the beautiful & graceful cross-legged dancer. Early poses like half moon, warrior III and standing splits were all preparing the body and mind for balance, length and strength so that when you moved into this amazing pose that you did it fluidly without resistance.

I was thinking about this as this is how life works. Our entire life is moving us towards our pinnacle pose so that we will rise up fluidly and with grace for that point where we going into our pose with calm strength. We will not stumble and fall as our entire life has been building up the strength and balance needed to reach our potential. You can look at each experience as a lesson that has strengthen you and allowed you to move into the next lesson. Be thankful for all the experiences that allow you to move into your next lesson/pose.

Trust that each part of your life is building you towards your pinnacle pose.

"I am thankful for all my experiences and people that have come into my life that have taught me different lessons, have allowed or even forced me to go deeper and have played a part in moving me closer to my pinncale pose."

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Love & Support

Another very personal post coming on here -

This AM I was having a little heart to heart with my hubby after kids left for school and he was getting ready to leave for work. I think I had been over-thinking some things in my head and it was causing me some doubts about moving forward & in which direction. My husband asked me how long I was going to be doing this for because me being upset and discouraged sometimes does not make him that happy. We would love to see me smiling 24/7. My answer was I have no idea but know that I am suppose to be here going through all this and have no idea where it will take us. Yes, I have hopes and goals but I am also wise enough to know that goals are just destinations that came sometimes get detoured along the way to get a life lesson to strengthen the journey.

After his departed to work, I couldn't but help but over-think his comments. Do all women do this or just me? HA! Anyway I sent him a message basically telling him I needed him to believe in me. I have no idea how long we will be on this journey for but need him 100% in my court.

His response - Simple & Sweet

I love you. Never doubt you. Keep on being awesome and getting after it!!

Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you to renew your heart and spirit! Wherever this journey takes me and my family and whatever I accomplish it was not the force of one person but the heart and voice of my family that constantly are nourishing my spirit with their love and belief and of the friends that send notes of encouragement and belief.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Doubling Up

Fall is here and I doubled - Life is good!!

I wasn't suppose to double but when given the opportunity to use the AlterG a second time in the day. What is a girl suppose to do? Really - come on, easy decision. So just over 12 miles on the day between to AlterG sessions. Still waiting to see what Jeff has to say about that when all I had on my schedule was a measly 6 miles.

I felt really good today. No heavy legs and no lack of energy so hoping keeping it easy all week will keep the happy legs trend up. Medial shin is feeling worlds better. The sore spot is one of the tendons that run along ankle/medial part of the leg. Hoping the contiuned icing regime and one more day on the AlterG will have me on the road on Wednesday.

Ready to start grinding out the miles again! The weather is now perfect for running (for me anyways).

Hope you all are having great runs!

Saturday, October 27, 2012


I woke up feeling lighter and more full of excitement and hope than I have felt in several weeks. Than I opened my email and found a delightful surprise sitting in my inbox. My training schedule for the next 3 weeks. I hadn't expected it cause we were sort of going day by day with things to see how I was bouncing back. I think getting on schedule just helped me see I that I am returning to training. It lifted my spirits quite a bit. All the possibilites popping back in my head and my heart. Sometimes we allow the noise of doubts & fears to keep the dream surpressed a bit. But the voice and hope of the dream is now getting louder than the fears so I have to keep nurturing the hope so I can get back my fight.

I think this schedule will help me get back my fight as well as build the confidence back to where is was before all the ups & downs of the past couple of weeks.

I am so hopeful for the future and remain content in the moment.

I have so much in the moment to be thankful for and I have so much in the future that excites me. Life is good!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Up and At'em

Well I have taken most of the week to rest up and get my legs back and nursing a sore medial shin that started up just week before the race. I ran through it and it was mostly fine during the race but we wanted to give it time to heal up before I started hitting it hard from my marathon training cycle.

Today I will be going to run 4-6 miles on the AlterG to get some blood flow to my legs without the impact stress on the shin to allow for more healing and than fingers-crossed I can get to marathon training next week. Although a strength training session on Thursday has made my legs all sore and wobbley. I hoping they feel great moving.

That's the plan. I am feeling rested phyiscally and mentally so happy to have had this mini break to gather my witts and regroup for the next 12 weeks.

Good week and Looking forward to some awesome running coming up in my favorite months to run in November and December! Cool and crisp running weather!!!! YAY - Happy Dance.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

It is a Journey not a Race

First, I hesitated about publishing this post as it is sort of personal. I wrote last night and held it in the saved folder. But this AM I was thinking about writing a post and my mind kept going back to what I written the night before. I decided to post it :-).

A ten hour drive home from Detroit help me think lots. Thinking is a good thing. Being disconnect from distractions and there was no getting away from thinking my situation so thoroughly. My heart did ache a bit but I knew I could not deny the feeling, I had to let the feeling help me move in the right direction moving towards peace.

This situation of me chasing my big running dreams parallels another difficult path that I had been down just 9-10 years. There are so many similarities into the emotionally and physically struggle that took place during that struggle. That struggle was finding motherhood.

In my late 20s, I had everything a loving relationship with an amazing man and a corporate job making a dream salary but my heart was yearning for a child. We started trying casually for a year and nothing. Soon our friends were starting to have kids. We heard stories of "we just tried twice" and stories of "we weren't even trying'. I begin to feel like something was wrong with us and started to struggle to be happy for family & friends wonderful news. As the first year of no pregnancy came & went and moved into 2 years of trying, I started to get sad and baby showers and announcements hurt my heart. Than we decided to seek fertility help, we did every test and nothing came back. We had "unexplained infertility" which is when nothing is wrong but you are not getting pregnant. We decide to start a costly both emotionally & financially road of infertility treatment. We went all in with our desire to have a child. I started taking a fertility drug that caused me to gain lots of weight and played with my mood like a cat playing with a mouse. Than we started the emotionally charged process of IUI which included lots of blood tests, ultrasounds, and the dreaded 2 week waiting period after the insemination to see if the egg was fertilized and than implanted. We did this for 6 months with no success. Our hearts were constantly being broken and rehealing with the hope of the next cycle. Our love help us endure this trying time. This all took a huge toll of me. The constant roller-coaster of emotions of hope, hurt and healing put in a place where I needed a break from trying. We took this wonderful trip to a spa in Arizona where we let go of the whole process and decide to no longer try fertility drugs. I spent the next 2-3 months losing all the clomid weight and emotionally rebuilding my heart & mind. I become a stronger version of myself. I realized that I could not control everything and let go and started living again. I did have hope of having a child but I no longer obsessed over it. I found a way to be happy for all my friends having babies and celebrating their joy with them. My husband and I than started to consider adopting. My mind was occupied with those thoughts and not the thoughts of fear when one day I didn't get my period. I didn't think much of it by several days went by and no period. I still couldn't even contemplate that I could be pregnant. I finally told Nick and he was beyond hopeful that he went right away to get a test. He was braver than I was at that time as I didn't want to handle the heart break of a negative test. I remember this feeling of it can't be and than the celebration of relief and immense joy when that test came back positive.

Those 3 years torn me down and rebuilt me into a stronger women with a heart more compassionate & full of gratitude. Those years taught me that I could not control life, how to be more flexible and allow the wind to blow through and not to break. It made me the mom that I am so proud to be. I appreciated deeply the gift of life that was entrusted to my care. I would not be the mom I am today had I not gone through those years. We savored every moment of my pregnancies, labors, and baby years. I gave up my career to savior more and more of my babies. I did everything to spend time with these precious babies of mine. I breastfeed, I carried them in maya wraps to keep them always close to my heart, I held them while they slept, I co-slept and I was so happy and did not let a moment go by where I didn't Thank God for my babies.

Maybe God keeps us from our gifts so that when we finally get them after enduring the obstacles that we truly understand their value.

Thinking about the journey of having our dream family & the dream of reaching my running potential really gives me the faith that I can endure and continue to believe even though it may not be happening in my timeable of what would be perfect. God's timing is perfect! I only have to look at my babies faces to realize how perfect God's plan is for my life.