Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Okay I had it...

So not today but yesterday I felt very much like I had enough of it....I am human and can be susceptible to fatigue, doubt, and fear. The negative thoughts can come hard when fatigue has set in. It is harder to fight back when you have sweated out your soul trying to fight, claw, bleed to stay the course in sauna like conditions.

It all started about mile 3 mile into a 10 miler. I had to start a bit late cause of camp drop off. I started out at 8:30AM and it was 82 degrees, humidity somewhere near 90% and dew point at 76. UGH! I thought the saving grace would be the shade in the trail. I started and wow was surprised that I was actually moving along okay and my spirits immediately were up and I was enjoying the scenery. Well that didn't last long, nope, nope, nope, something had changed around 3 miles in. I felt like all of sudden the effort to move forward was taking lots of energy and my pace dropped quickly by about 30 seconds. I stop to take a drink of gatorade and took note that I was already soaked in sweat. Oh dear - I not sure how I managed the next few miles but knew I was not feeling well to try to complete 10 miles. I could feel my chest working hard and knew my heart was under stress so I returned from the trail to finish 9 miles. In 9 miles, I think I lost every oucne of water in my body. I was dripping and pouring sweat onto the ground as I stretched out. I was so wet that I soaked through a towel that was on my car sit. I got in my car to drive home and sure enough the temp gauged red 92 degree and my phone said the dew point was at 74. Now people until you have run in dew point over 70-75 you don't know that is close to a death walk. This run left me so mentally and physically drained that I was pretty upset and irrational for the remainder of the day.

I am so lucky to have the love of my family which was quick to offer aid in the form unconditional love and support. My husband dropped everything to listen to me whimper about the weather and held me telling me that I will get through it and it will be worth it. I had a daughter forcing me to let go of my frustration by grabbing my face telling me to trust god followed by mommy, you need to breathe in blue skies in and breathe out gray skies out. She held my face til I agreed to do this with her. I said "Joey, but mommy doesn't want more blue skies - I want gray skies!!! Smart little girl says "so Mommy breathe in gray skies and send blue skies away". Mind you this girl is 6 yrs old. Heaven set angel of mine.

Times like these you realized how loved and important you are to them.

The rest of evening I worked my best to let go of my frustration. That worked until bedtime when the emotions swelled again. Running in this heat is getting to be painful and it tests your resolve to keep fighting for your dream. I laid in bed thinking silent prayers asking for strength, guidance and a sign that it all will be well and that I am on the right path.

This morning I woke up early to meet a friend that was visiting from out of town for the run. Due to the time of the morning, I didn't realize the skies were iffy until I reached the parking lot. I got out of my car and saw a HUGE black cloud heading in our direction. I was beyond excited as I knew that this cloud was holding the answer to my prayers. Relief from the heat!!! Within 10 minutes, my dear friend and I were running in the rain!!! Sweet relief - we shared stories of encouragement and love. What a renewing run! I breathed in my gray skies in gratitude all the amazinginess of this day.

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