Funny at the beginning of the week, I was handling the MB thing so well. I was proud of myself! No mental anguish or breakdowns!! I am a changed girl! I had put on my big girl pants, kept the chin up and re-told myself the story of how everything was happening just as it should. I told everyone that asked that I know it was for the best and all is well. Everything happens for a reason.
Than my mid-week when I knew I needed to get down to business and really get this thyroid thing taken care of the emotions were starting to well-up inside of me. I had held back the floodgates and smiled to everyone but by Thursday I was tired and overwhelmed. I went for a walk in the woods to try to sort myself out as I couldn't run yet. I got about 10 minutes into the woods and every emotion that I fought to hold back or tell myself was not there were literally being ripped out of my chest. I can not believe how quickly it all came out. I was walking and crying trying to figure why I was have this mega-meltdown in the woods. About 25 minutes in, I sat down at a stream where my tears just kept rolling. I feel like the tears were just being pulled out of me like the universe saying release that shit you are trying to hide in there as strength. It is not strong to act like nothing is wrong. It is not strong to hide what you are feeling. It is strong to deal with it, acknowledge it, and forgive yourself - that is strong. So I cried my heart out and little by little I am releasing the fears that were threatening to swallow me. I release them so I could replace the fear with hope and renewal.
What I realized was that by not acknowledging that had felt pain and real disappoint, I blocked my own ability to regain my hope and renew my spirit with those of how I am going to overcome and rebuild. I also blocked my family and friends ability to support and love me through this time. In my effort to be strong, I was blocking my greatest source of strength - Love! The love of those people that are my world. Love is the greatest healing and renewer! By finally allowing myself to feel the pain and be vulnerable, I also let in so much healing and love.
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