Friday, January 4, 2013

Today I fell into bucket of fear


Day started off great..I felt refreshed from a 10 hr nights sleep. I forced myself to go to bed early last night. I started a new sleep routine to get myself in the groove to go to sleep at the right time. I stopped all computer interactions at 5PM, got kids to sleep by 7PM, relaxed a little with hubby watching a show and than proceed with my evening stretch routine, got ready for bed and crawled into bed with a book and lights out at 9PM. Now I just have to repeat that routine here on out so that I can maximum my recovery. This thyroid thing reinforced my need for my recovery & sleep. I really sometimes take it that my body can hammer out 60-70 mile weeks but it does catch up with me if I am not as regimented with the sleep so this is one of the things that needed changing in the New Year.

Anyway I got off fear episode - So I was excited to get to my run as the weather perfect in the 40s and lots of sun. I headed to my favorite trail - Riverwalk and started going but I didn't exactly feel peppy at all which is funny cause I only ran 6 slow & easy miles on Thursday so I was expecting to feel good. When the first mile went into the second mile and I was feeling like I was working, I glanced down at my garmin and it read 10:30 pace. WHAT!!! I really shouldn't be wearing a watch on these runs for this exact reason cause panick and fear started to set in. I must admit I have been teetering on edge of fear for the past week and I think at that moment I let the flood gates of fear in that I had been holding back since I got my diagnose. By mile 2, 2.39 to be exact, the floodgates had opened and I was swimming in that bucket of fear. Tears were rolling and I couldn't think of anything but how did I get here??? The pity party that I refused to have was in full swing in my head. All the the hard work I had done and I can't run even get to a 9 minute mile and my thighs have gotten to big and all the stupid stuff you let yourself feel when you are indulging in the woe is me's. I am so lucky I was running cause the run helped me work through all these silly fears that have been there but I was refusing to entertain them. I spent really 4 miles knowing I can't stay swimming in these fears and sooner I got out the better. The tears eventually stopped and I slowly was able to soothe myself. I was at least running..I was moving forward..slowly but I was moving forward. Forward progress is all you can really hope for. I was able to work through all those fears and my heart and mind become lighter. All of sudden my pace when from 10s to 9s with ease. WOW - What I realize is fear is very heavy! It can weigh you down big time. Once I release myself of these fears, my body was able to move, my mind was free and my heart was uplifted to the tune of finisher off a 10 miler completely content.


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